The Plagues of Egypt: Reloaded!
by Missie2
Summary: A retelling of a bible story with a twist. Takes place during that whole ancient Egypt reincarnation thingy. Jews and devout Christians may be offended. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**The Plagues of Egypt: Reloaded!**

I'm sorry. I tried to resist, I really did! I know I have other stuff I should be working on, but I like this idea and I want to do it, so I will. Nya! Jews and Old-Testament Christians may find this offensive…

I don't own Justice League. The Bible belongs to everyone.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

Katar Hol marched down the long marble corridor, stalked into the chamber he shared with his wife and threw his hammer so hard across the room that it hit a statue of Hathor in the corner and smashed the puzzled-looking cow goddess to smithereens.

"Something wrong, dear?" said his wife, not bothering to look up from the sheet of papyrus she was deciphering.

"I hate this planet and everyone on it," he growled in response, hurling his helmet behind him and breaking the statue of Bastet in half. The litter of kittens who had been hiding behind it fled the room yowling.

"It's not that bad," Chayera said, conspicuously moving in front of the room's last statue, the strange bird-headed Thoth. "Remember the Marvorkians? They were far worse than anything on this world."

Katar shuddered, remembering the look on the chief Marvorkian's face as he held the mysterious Groogerschien over his screaming prisoner's faces. That was one weird honeymoon… he shook off the memory, recalling the day's events.

"Even they weren't as annoying as these humans! Wait until you hear what happened today…"

Chayera sighed and lay back on the bed. As much as she loved her husband, he could be such a whiny little bitch sometimes.

"First, a bunch of Canaanites barged in begging for food again. For the seventh time this month! What a bunch of scroungers! Then Bashari told me some insurgents out in Goshen got their grubby little hands on some weapons, so I had to schedule a bunch of executions for tomorrow and I was planning on sleeping in tomorrow. And then some wild man turned up telling me to let his people go!"

"Right. Who are his people?" Chayera asked, sounding thoroughly bored.

"The Israelites, apparently. Though the way he looked they could be camels."

"What was his name?"

"Moe, I think."

…..

_Plague no. 1: The river of blood_

Chayera stood at the bank of the tide pool, staring into the water with a confused expression on her face. A stomping could be heard echoing through the halls and within minutes her husband was standing behind her, breathing heavily. Luckily she'd removed the statue of Thoth, sensing that this Moe person was going to be causing Katar an awful lot of trouble.

"What happened to the river?" she asked innocently.

He stood beside her, covered head to toe in red liquid. Under his mask she knew the little vein over his left eye was throbbing like crazy.

"Moe stopped by. He turned the river into blood. Then demanded I let his people go."

Suddenly Katar kicked the statue nearest him, which happened to be Sekhmet. As the lion goddess of war toppled over and broke, she looked just as angry as Katar did.

"Why don't you just let him take his people and chase him out of Egypt? You'd enjoy that," Chayera asked, poking the sad remains of the statue with her bare toe.

"The Israelites have been slaves for the last seven hundred years, Chayera! How do we even know which ones are pure blood? We have other slaves besides Israelites too."

"Don't forget the ones who married into Egyptian families."

"Yeah, those too."

He huffed, and wiped at his crimson face with a linen supplied by a helpful maid.

"I'll wait him out. He can't pull this kind of stunt every day."

…..

_Plague no. 2: The Frogs_

A loud, steady humming noise could be heard for miles around the city. The townspeople were emptying all their dishes and vessels into the street. Chayera sat on the bed in her chamber, watching the tiny green creatures hop around the room.

Katar burst into the room, kicking little bunches of frogs out of his way as he made his way towards the window. The windowsill was covered with the slimy amphibians. In his fury, he gathered them in his arms and chucked them out the window. They landed with a wet plop on the statue of Isis, knocking her onto a group of fleeing priests. Isis's calm, pretty face and the priests' ribs cracked noisily.

"Let me guess," Chayera said. "Moe came back?"

…..

_Plague no. 3: The flies_

The heavy drone and rather disgusting black masses congregating all over the palace didn't bother Chayera in the slightest. She had draped a linen sheet over the bed like a tent and was camping out under it with a goblet of wine and two opportunistic cats. The squelching sound from outside let her know that Katar had returned from the throne room.

"This Moe is really starting to get on my nerves, Chayera. You could at least act concerned!" he bellowed.

"Honesty is a virtue, dearest one," she replied, sipping her wine.

Katar growled and muttered something under his breath. He left the bedroom to the sound of breaking marble. Chayera risked a peek outside and saw the statue of Tawaret the hippo goddess in half-a-dozen pieces on the floor.

…..

_Plague no. 4: The boils_

The king, his advisors, everyone in the throne room and even poor General Bashari were scratching themselves like mad. The unfortunate populace had been cursed with an outbreak of festering boils. They weren't painful, just really, really annoying.

Moe, the wild man, stood in the centre of the room.

"Pharaoh," the scrawny man bellowed, "Let my people go!"

"No," growled Katar. "Get lost."

"Then I shall call down another plague upon the heads of Egypt!" the wild man roared.

The entire room groaned. Chayera, who was for some reason unaffected by the plague, was casually filing her nails.

"Just give him the damn Israelites and get him out of here," she said, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Everyone looked hopeful and itchy. But Katar cruelly dashed their hopes even as he dashed to the ground the statue of Horus the falcon-headed god when he stood up.

"Keep them coming, Moe! We'll outlast you, or we'll die!"

Chayera sighed, wondering how she could escape tomorrow's plague. Ducking underwater until the screaming started surely wouldn't work a second time.

_Plague no.5: The wild beasts_

Two lions, an aardvark and a tapir trotted through the corridors with a very angry hawkman chasing them. The entire land was crawling with beasts, from huge African elephants to tiny spiny echidnas. Considering the rarity of echidnas anywhere besides the Australian Continent and the lack of a land bridge connecting the African coast to the land of odd marsupials, this was rather perplexing. Also perplexing was the palace's new duck-billed platypus population's fondness for following the queen around.

Said queen was still infuriatingly calm. She was perched in the support beams with a pitcher of wine and a group of platypus gathered underneath. Katar scowled at her. She was being most unhelpful.

"Well, I'm glad you're having fun!" he shouted up to her. His image as a tough guy was rather hindered by the bush baby clinging to his shoulder.

"This is your fault, you know," she shouted back, and the platypus bleated at him. "Just give him the Israelites, for God's sake!"

"No! This will be over soon, you'll see!"

He marched off. There were three more bush babies and a golden mole clinging to his back.

A herd of buffalo were chased out of the royal chambers a few minutes later, trampling a statue of Set under their hooves.

…..

_Plague no. 6: The locusts_

Katar sat on the lap of the statue of Osiris like a naughty child, sulking away. The droning echoed all through the marble palace and was like water torture to those inside. Not to mention all the crops they were losing to the damn locust plague.

Chayara was firmly ensconced in her bedchamber. He'd sent her there, along with her throng of platypus that didn't leave when the other animals did, when her relentless amusement at his predicament got on his nerves. He'd ordered General Bashari to make sure she didn't leave the room. He hadn't heard hide nor hair of either of them since. He made a mental note to give Bashari a raise.

A lone locust flew into the palace and snapped Katar out of his brooding. He yelped with surprise and his fist drove into Osiris' face, cracking it beyond repair. He sighed. Thank goodness those gods the Eygyptians believed in didn't really exist. Given the amount of statues he'd broken, they would have been mightily pissed.

…..


	2. Chapter 2

**The Plagues of Egypt: Reloaded!**

**Chapter Two**

Well, no-one seems to have been offended just yet and that's a really good thing. I'll continue as long as no-one's upset with me. I seem to be writing stuff that might be offensive to certain ethnic groups a lot lately, but I have no idea why.

And just a note, I know his name is Moses. The moniker of Moe is intentional.

…..

_Plague no. 7: The famine_

"Couldn't we have some more food, sir?"

Katar roared suddenly and hurled his hammer at the Canaanites, who fled as fast as their skinny legs would carry them. The hammer hit the statue of Horus in the doorway, making the eagle-headed god look like a pissed-off ant. The whole city was starving and those desert-dwelling bastards had the audacity to ask for charity?

"Finally," Chayera said. "You should have done that the first time they arrived."

Katar glared at his wife out of the corner of his eye. She was sitting sideways on the throne, with a platypus sleeping on her lap, looking relaxed and beautiful and infuriatingly pleased during a time of national crisis.

"Can't you get rid of that bloody thing?" he snarled at her, gesturing at the platypus.

"No. I like having them around. Maybe if I had a _baby_ to look after…"

"Go to your room!"

She marched off without a word, the rudely awakened platypus trotting after her, bleating plaintively. Katar frowned. Usually she argued a bit before he dragged her kicking and screaming to her room. Why wasn't she objecting like she usually did?

Oh well, he mused. No time to worry about that. He went to the store room to see how much ration food they had left. The wheat and all the livestock dying was a bit of a bum steer by Moe, since Katar was naturally frugal and had prepared for such a thing happening naturally.

Upon entering the store room, he found several of Chayera's platypi, munching away on the stored wheat. Instead of being angry, his eyes lit up. His subjects had been missing their meat…

…..

_Plague no. 8: The gnats_

Here a gnat, there a gnat, everywhere a gnat gnat. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth when the Egyptians opened their curtains to find the whole country covered with the tiny maddening insects. They were even worse than the flies from a few weeks before. The only ones who were having a good time were Chayera's platypuses, who found the gnats rather tasty, and Chayera herself made sure she had several of her pets around all the time.

In an act of goodwill, Chayera was found picking the tiny critters off of her husband and feeding them to her pets. This was astonishingly generous of her, especially since she'd found out where her husband got the 'roast guinea fowl' they'd eaten during the last plague.

She had retaliated by breaking his favourite statue, the bare-breasted Nephytes. Into smithereens.

"Where's General Bashari when I need him?" Katar muttered.

"He's out in Goshen on a hunting trip. It's his day off," she replied casually.

"How do you know that?"

"Um, he told me. Just before he left. He couldn't find you to tell you himself."

"You two have been getting along really well lately. That's fantastic. Shows we can connect with the natives."

"…"

…..

_Plague no. 9: The hail and lightning_

A jagged strip of silver flashed across the sky, and Chayera was slightly impressed. She was watching the monsoon from the temple of Reshkul. The hail pelted the marble roof and tore holes in the townspeople's houses, while the lightning was frying the ground.

Still, it was better weather than you'd find on Thanagar.

For once, she wasn't surrounded by platypussies. They were hiding from the storm in Bashari's quarters. They'd taken a liking to him given the amount of time he spent around the queen…ahem. They'd learned to avoid Katar, since his new way of relieving frustration was to kick them around like footballs.

Katar entered the temple, covered in little scratches from where he'd been hit by the hail. He was smiling.

"Lovely weather, eh?" he said, laughing. "Reminds me of summer back home."

"I don't think the townspeople are too happy about it though. Maybe you should just let the Israelites go."

"He's weakening, Chayera, I know it!"

She sighed and massaged her temples under her mask. Silently she wondered if Bashari was doing anything at that moment, and excused herself.

Moments later, a bolt of lightning struck the giant statue of Reshkul that Katar was standing next to.

…..

_Plague no. 10: The taking of the first born_

The wild man opened his mouth and bellowed,

"PHAROAH! LET MY…."

"He's not here."

And indeed he wasn't. In fact, Moe was the only person in the room, besides the queen. Said queen did not look happy.

"My husband is well on his way to having a nervous breakdown, the townspeople have lost most of their children, the city is in ruins and we have barely any food left! But you know what the worst part is?"

Moe gulped. "N-no…"

"You've made me very angry. I hate being angry. I should just kill you right now."

The wild man went white and considered falling to his knees and begging the bird-woman's forgiveness, but as it turns out he didn't have to.

"But I don't fancy the idea of having to stare at your mangled corpse being picked at by vultures, so I'll make you a deal," she sighed.

Moe nearly did fall on his knees then. He opened his mouth to thank her for her generosity, but she held up her hand to silence him.

"Go to the slave quarters and take anyone that wants to go with you, then get out of the city before nightfall. And if I ever catch you in Egypt again, I'll beat you to a pulp with my own two hands. Are we clear?"

She was fondling the large blunt weapon she usually had with her the way a woman might pet a cat. Moe swallowed hard and nodded.

"Good. Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind!"

Moe scarpered off.

…..

Three hours later, Katar arrived back from his brief break in Thebes. He had fully expected to see Moe there, and was rather pleased when the wild man didn't show. Then he called for some wine to celebrate, but no slave came running with it. He was perplexed.

He looked everywhere for the slaves. Normally there would be thousands of them, but there wasn't. The palace was practically empty. Fearing the worst, he stormed into the throne room. Chayera was sitting there, sipping wine and nicely tipsy. The straps of her gown were slipping off of her shoulders in a way that just managed to be dignified.

"Helloo, dearie! How was your…"

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I got rid of Mo-oe!" she giggled in a sing-song way. He sighed. She was insufferable when she got like this.

"Did you send away the slaves too?"

"Yep. Problem solved!"

Katar stormed out, and she could here him barking orders at his army. The sound of a battalion of horses and chariots leaving the city could be heard echoing through the palace.

She poured more wine.

Katar arrived back at the palace an hour later, soaking wet. There were clumps of seaweed hanging out of his tunic and an octopus clinging to his mask. She grinned at him.

"So, did you get them back?"


End file.
